This story was shared by a Project Ava Storyteller. Learn more about the Storyteller Program.
This was a video created for my Asian American Studies class on Race, Gender, and Sexuality based on a spoken word piece I had performed at Northwestern University’s recent Pan-Asian Formal. I’m an avid subscriber to many Asian American beauty vloggers and watch their videos as a way to engage in self-care or general procrastination; and because I adore make-up as a hobby for my artistic expression. I absolutely admire and love the work that beauty vloggers do on YouTube but I’m still a critical media consumer to a fault and end up writing papers on these subjects instead. This video is an extension of my never-ending analysis of the multifaceted realm of Asian American YouTube.
I created a typical video makeup tutorial that would be found on Youtube, but instead of each voice-over step being a guide to how to apply make-up, it was instead a spoken word about my personal experiences within Asian America – through learning about our history, understanding how we are racialized subjects, being in the diaspora, to dealing with various forms of racism and ethnosexualization. The reason this spoken word is in the format of a makeup tutorial is to play on the current hypervisibility of Asian American women on YouTube who specialize in creating video content related to makeup, beauty, fashion, and lifestyle. Individual Asian American beauty vloggers have channels with hundreds of thousands to millions of subscribers – making this presence significant to the rise of an Asian American self-created, but aspirational femininity that is meant to be emulated. YouTube exists as a platform “informed by the structures of capitalism, labor, and consumerism”, and although Asian American women have entered – and possibly disrupted mainstream white beauty discourse – unfortunately, only a narrow range of Asian American women (East and Southeast Asian, thin, attractive, etc.) are visible, considered beautiful, and achieve monetary success on YouTube and beyond.
Additionally, despite the significance of popular content created by these Asian American women, a conversation with producer Christine Chen of Wong Fu Productions revealed that non-beauty related content by Asian American women remains underrepresented on this platform. More narrative and creative works are not afforded the same kind of reach as that of Asian American men on Youtube. Following this discussion with Christine Chen, I definitely felt inspired to create a video which explores a more nuanced representation of typical Asian American femininity – through a monologue which combines various themes of makeup and how they relate to differing aspects of my Asian American identity juxtaposed with the visual focus on just my external presentation. The subtitle of my piece for those who refuse to be silenced refers to the many of us who reject the power of institutions, media, and peers who actively silence the voices of marginalized people. For me, this also plays into the idea of how Asian women/girls are stereotyped as being quiet, silent, and submissive both politically and sexually, and the hope that my “makeup tutorial” will counter that.
RED LIPS EVENING MAKEUP TUTORIAL: for those who refuse to be silenced
(Updated from the original spoken word poem in the video)
step 1: primer
start off with a primer which provides a base-
history of why these Chinese and Taiwanese features
are only read as “Asian”
faces foreign, facing racism
caricatures of 20th century immigrant bodies
excluded, massacred, detained
until we were considered desirable for our brains
intellect weaponized
to uphold the model minority myth
as the basis
of how Asian America
is supposed to appear
step 2: foundation
when you choose a foundation
you need to either match your own skin tone
or be lighter so you don’t resemble
those working-class farmers from the motherland
so you forget about how your darker predecessors
fought for your place in America
and still how they die because this world sees brownness and blackness
as threat, thug, terrorist, illegal
these communities of color ignored by
upper-middle class east Asian America
because it’s easier to look out for our own
yellow skin
step 3: eyebrows
in class this white boy made a music video
centering himself in a rap about overcoming ignorance
only to set it to some stereotypical-as-fuck Chinese tune
unironically
I could only raise my eyebrows
when he claimed he felt “heart”
in this soundtrack to Hollywood’s mystical orient
step 4: eye makeup
make sure you use waterproof eyeliner
so it doesn’t melt off when you return to the fatherland
of Taiwanese humidity and feelings of humility
when you can’t understand the dialect
slowly erased by the Mandarin of the mainland
your own eroding Mandarin once inherent
now in Chinglish
can’t even express to your family
the longing you feel for their acceptance
because you are two parts too many
Shanghainese and American
step 5: lips
these red lips now speak
to counter the era which silenced you, wàigōng
for political dissent from CPC policy
cultural revolutionary separation of family
96 years you lived
but too many spent in isolation
now resting in peace
but never living in power
these words I say today
are a privilege you never had
step 6: reflection
finally look at the result in your mirror
and wonder
when will your reflection show
that who you are inside
is a girl worth self-love
a girl worth more than the number of hearts you captured
and worth no less because of your power to destroy
the heart of that boy who loved you—
no, who loved the idea of you:
exotic, china doll nymphomania;
submission
reflected back onto
the face of the next Asian girl he’ll conquer
love yourself because
this disease of racist desire
known as yellow fever
will never love you
Acknowledgements:
This silly video of mine would have never happened without the support of my APAC family, especially Alicia Zheng for planning the Pan-Asian formal and for giving me a space to speak, and Kevin Luong for helping me write and film the piece. Also to the audience at that formal: for the ones who listened, thank you. For the ones who talked throughout the performance as a way to either intentionally or unintentionally silence me, I am only going to be speaking louder.
I also want to thank the Asian American Studies Program at Northwestern for offering courses which allow us to explore our histories and to present our stories through creative final works like this, and even more so – for providing me a home within an academic institution that too often keeps us at the margins. I’m excited that the program will be able to expand in the future to offer current and future students at my university an Asian American Studies Major after a long history of organizing and fighting to be heard.
Ava Love,
Theanne
4 comments